Magazine Posts

Crazy were the days,
and the nighttime too,
when you no longer know,
whys, wherefores or who.

What words to use,
which words to say,
makes me understand
why you ran away.

How cold is my heart,
when you aren't near.
I am losing your love,
is my biggest fear.

Must this disease
take you and your love,
what kind of justice is this,
benevolent God?

From the first day, I saw you,
until the day I died,
I knew I wanted you
to always be by my side.

How selfish am I,
my wife languishes,
in Memory Care,
and I'm not near her.

I still wrestle with the guilt
of abandonment. It's what,
I feel.
Friends, relatives tell me
I need to take care of myself.
I don't disagree, however, I have
loved and lived with her for 66years.

How do I disengage?
I wish there were a simple
answer. I know there isn't one,
but that does not preclude me
from feeling this way.

Life sucks,
mostly for she.
I'm not living
within any normalcy.

What walk of life,
do I hear,
is not knowing,
my biggest fear.

Here, at my desk, I sit,
feeling a sudden feeling
of loneliness.

Is this feeling,
coming from me or
from the changes I see in her.

Hating this feeling, at this
moment.

Wasting away,
without any time.
No more complaining,
no more the whine.

A loss of life,
through self-abuse.
What is the price?
What was your excuse?

I miss you more,
every waking day.
You were the youngest,
yet you went away.

My youngest brother,
remembering when,
we went to the Naneum,
I was your oldest friend.

You left a void,
in your children's lives.
Gone too early.
It was no surprise.

The slow descent into darkness.
A journey of a declining mind.
Thoughts, our memories
are now only mine.

Sitting here,
engulfed in emotions.
"I want to go home",
she says to me,
over and over again,
as we watch, Crocodile Dundee.
No involvement in the movie,
no recognition of anything
noteworthy. My wife was
a very intelligent person, but
can no longer connect to reality.
She asked me this afternoon,
"Who are you?" I told her I
was her husband. Her response was,
"No Way." Minutes later she is saying,
she loves me and wants to be with me.

Running down the path,
need to pick up the pace.
this is a timed event,
a Ten Kilometer race.

Under forty minutes
would be a great time.
Push harder,
towards the finish line.

Thirty-eight minutes,
plus, small change.
My best performance
was in the range.

Sitting at my work area,
I remember, an "opening Day" of
Fishing in Upland Streams.
Next to the Manashtash Creek,
water moving fast, ice crystals,
gather along the creek side.

We have a campfire burning, and a separate
metal rack to put frying pans on for cooking.
We brought some eggs, not for fishing but to
eat, with our fresh caught trout, dipped in flour,
for a great, cold morning breakfast.
We reflect upon our sharing the benefits of
this offering.

When night falls,
at Heaven's door,
leave this place,
you need no more.

Need not the grief,
which comes this way,
as incessant chatter,
is now on display.

There isn't a concept
of time or place,
when her mind is
mostly vacant space.

Questions, constantly of,
where are we,
becomes a need to answer,
for both me and she.