Magazine Posts

A coldness,
crept over me.
It's what I felt,
but didn't see.

A chill runs
down my spine.
An ominous feeling
knowing it's mine.

The word Hospice,
my stomach turns,
the patient, my wife,
now my eyes burn.

It is the weekend and residents
in memory care are experiencing
the joy of seeing family and friends.
Visits may be short or can be long,
and soon people will start to say their
Goodbyes. Little white lies are said,
"See you soon" when it really means
I must go and may see you in a while.
A sense of sadness when leaving your
loved one. It is for me, and I am a floor
above her. My heart aches, for this woman
who has been the pillar of my life for so
many years.

A discussion,
concerning my wife.
A need, I was told,
to move her to Hospice.

I shudder to think
about such a move,
she goes further away,
my own true love.

Without aplomb,
or knowing who,
a new life
is awaiting you.

A sad day
it will be,
when you're alone
without she.

Forward, ever forward,
where I often went,
looking, always looking,
to be pleasure bent.

Obscene inferences in
the verse above.
All I ever needed
was everlasting love.

We had all that
many a month and day,
until the music stopped
and we lost our way.

Four score and eight years ago,
I was a writer of verse and
did portrait sketches, in pencil.
My writing is back unrehearsed.

At this moment, I am trying
to remember the joy
of sketching, when capturing
an image of a woman or child's face.

I expect it's too much
to do everything well.
At this moment, my life
is a living hell.

I need this skill if I am
to keep my sanity.
I hope it's not because
it's for my vanity.

Where will life's path lead,
after you're gone.
Loneliness will be my companion.
I will move along.

Emotions, gone crazy,
feeling mildly depressed.
A sadness I can't explain.

I hypothesize, it's my wife's
continuing fight with Alzheimer
disease. Not sure, there is no
conscious thought. It's
"the woe is me" syndrome. I
need to shake it off, as it is
a very unpleasant feeling.

Forlorn the land,
Forlorn my mind.
So much wasteland,
too much one kind.

Re-live the memories
of our yesterdays.
I can remember,
yours are gone away.

Wander off
this path in life,
missing not your
lovely wife.

I miss her,
every day.
Hard to believe
she's gone away.

The mental aspect
of today,
her mind is gone,
her body stays.

When day is night
and night is day,
the Sun will burn bright
as day turns to grey.

Do you remember,
when we met?
Me the old Codger,
you a raw talent.

Here I am as I am going through the worst time of my life.
I struggle daily to stay positive but realize, no matter what I
do, it will not change the outcome.

We are all destined to face the harsh reality, sometime in the
future. No one knows when or how. The time will still come,
ready or not.

My wife was diagnosed in January 2017, although symptoms appeared
in late 2014, with Advanced Vascular Dementia-Alzheimer Disease.
The change was gradual until the time I could no longer handle the
extra burden of incontinence, doing all aspects of housekeeping and yard
maintenance.

We, my two sons and I admitted her to a Memory Care Facility, January 3,
2022. I moved in with her in May of the same year and stayed there for
6 months until such time when I was getting little sleep because her nocturnal
behavior, from the disease.

I try to visit her every day but do take a few days off to retain my sanity.
I sadly have observed a downward spiral of this nasty disease as it ravishes
my beloved. My wife would call me "My husband". She didn't know my name
but would tell me she loved me.

Today, she no longer greeted me, or told me she loved me and was for the
most part, silent. There is no concept of time. She doesn't know if I've been
gone a minute, a day, a week, or a month. She is no longer the person I married,
in spirit but she is physically, what I see in her beautiful smile, her brown eyes
and know in my heart she loves me.

I apologize for this baring of my soul to all of you.
I just wanted you to understand when I write some
words that appear strange, it is just my screwed
up emotions at play. Hiding from the reality of life
and the upcoming end of days has been trying.
Thank you for all the gifts you have given me over
these years. Love to all who are facing life challenges.