Magazine Posts

I walk at night.
I walk alone,
On my way,
without my phone.
There is no distraction.
No music to hear,
As I face my worries,
While acknowledging my fear.

A fear of failure now,
As your slow decline
Of memory loss,
Increases the damage.
Increases the cost
Of caring for you.
In a manner of good
For you my sweet one,
It must be understood,
For you can't help yourself,
On this Summer Day.
When you talk to me,
Upon rising and you say,
"What do I do next?"

Froe and to or to and froe.
My words have no place to go.
Perhaps, in haste, I try to be,
The poet I'm not but want to be.

Where do you go,
when your mind goes away?
You won't tell me
and will only say,
"I don't remember,
I no longer know how,
for my mind is gone now."
You recall nothing of our married life.
Neither the happiness or the strife.
I miss you so, my darling one
and dread the day when you won't come,
back from this place where you go.
If you do, I can only hope you say hello.

"Please don't weep for me"
you told me many times before.
"I don't like where I am
and want to leave; go away
to a new home, where I'll stay
until that time, in early night,
when the Lord comes to turn out my light."

I saw the Canlis Restaurant was having a "Drive In" event, $50 per car for
food and munchies and as I recall a movie. Clever way to offset the loss of business.

This reminded me of a long ago event, in another time and another life.
I worked for a large Corporation who would have Sales Events for "Big Ticket" appliances.
Big ticket in this explanation probably related to the Selling of Washers and Dryers, or in
Department 26, which all the Laundry products were in.
Our organization would set up sales quotas by Region. Ours was the Seattle Region. The
awards for these kind of events was National recognition with a special Award Dinner for the
participating staff. Best performance, etc. These would generally be for Sales Staff, Buyers of
the merchandise and other support staff.

I recall one such event, that did involve Laundry equipment. Seattle won the National Award
and we were to arrange for a nice celebration with cocktails, appetizers, dinner and desserts.
The National Merchandiser would be present to award the Winning staff. The restaurant of
choice, was the Canlis.

My immediate Boss, the Regional Sales Superintendent, (we like long worded job descriptions)
informed me that I as the Operations Manager, to go to the Cashiers office and get $3500, in
in cash and pay the bill after the dinner. There were approximately 40 staff in attendance.
Please keep in mind that this was in the late 60's or early 70's and prices were a lot
lower.

I went to the Cashiers office with the appropriate, Funds Request and received the cash, which I
put into a safe place. The time arrived and off to the Canlis went the 40.
There was an open bar, with appetizers.

Eventually we went to the tables for the excellent Canlis Dinner. After dinner, before the awards
and congratulatory speeches, the National Merchandiser, said, " After dinner drinks and cigars
for all those who desire. That was probably everyone in the building.

After all of the congratulations and awards were done a waiter appeared at my
Boss' shoulder with the bill. My Boss pointed at me and said, "He'll take care of it."
I reviewed the bill, cleared my throat and said, " I believe I am a little short" for the
bill was approximately $4500. The waiter, without hesitation, said, "Not a problem, Sir,
we will just bill you." I signed the bill and returned home with all the cash. Driving
carefully on the way to our home on the Eastside. I only had to drive back to Seattle
in the morning and hand the $3500 back to the Cashier.

Great memories for me. I hope you enjoyed this little story.

"Will you dance with me?"
I said, being quite bold,
expecting no answer,
receiving a shoulder, quite cold.
I went to another,
saying the same
words to she.
Then I knelt on the floor
and asked her "Please?"
She said, "no thank you,
for I made a vow
to not dance with men,
that's you, I see now.
I am sorry for you on this day,
now if you would leave,
please just go away."
I left with my Ego,
broken and found
with embarrassment of myself
and to my friends all around.

When the words in your head
are spoken out loud,
there are no filters,
of this I can say.
I do not apologize for you;
not any more.
for I just say, "She has Dementia"
as I head for the door.

Your story about the Porsche reminded me of this -- One of the team get togethers from the old KCMBS days

So many years have passed, from the time I
was a Manager. I had several Supervisors and
they were taking me out to lunch for my birthday.
I like sports cars and had a beautiful framed
photograph of a Porsche 911 hanging on a wall
in my office.
We had a very enjoyable lunch at a place I do not
recall. Then they surprised me with a multi day
rental of a Porsche 911, Cabriolet. I was speechless.
It was December and I asked if I could delay using
the rental until the weather warmed, in June or July.
They said I could. The Agency was in Pioneer Square.

At last it was time and the Rental Agency said that the
Porsche Cabriolet had been involved in an accident
in Yakima but they could offer me the use of a
Porsche 911 Targa. I signed the paperwork and
the Agent took me to the car.
He asked me if I had ever driven a Porsche? I said no.
Do you know how to use a stick? I said that I did and
said I had owned a Fiat 124 Spyder, that had stick
shift. He also told me that it was same shift pattern
as a 1956 Chevrolet.
I opened the door and got in to this "dream car", hooked
the seat belt and started the engine. The sound of the exhaust
accompanied by the cam drive chain sent a chill up my
spine. Porsche engine noise is like adrenaline to me.
I drove up 1st Ave only killing the engine a few times at
stop lights. The clutch mechanism is stiffer than the clutch
on the Fiat. So I was trying to get use to that function.
I reached work and parked in the Garage.
When the day was over I drove to my Son's work place
and parked on a hill. Oh, oh.

With a stick shift, parked on a hill you must put it in gear, with
foot on the gas and a hand on the parking brake. The trick
is to rev the engine and "pop" the clutch at the same time that
you release the parking brake. I did that, but not perfectly and
laid a strip of rubber, for a few feet, up the hill. I live on the
Eastside and only killed the engine a couple of times as the
traffic was stop and go. I drove the car over the weekend
and took a trip with my wife to Ellensburg, with the Targa Top
stored in the trunk.
The memories of this event lives on and will always have a
special place in my heart for the generosity of my friends.

I've tried so hard, never to say,
"I've told you before, please go away."
But there I was to my dismay,
Uttering words, I didn't have to say.
A sadness for me, for talking this way
To her, when her memory's astray.
Perhaps I'm the one needing to stay
At a home and go away.

I'll wait for you hour and day.
I will not let my love go away.
For all the things you are unaware,
I will remember our love where
All the words you said to me,
"It will be alright, just let it be;
Let it go, move on, get thee past"
Remember when they said it wouldn't last?
We proved them wrong, that's for sure,
For our love went on and did endure.

His eyes grew dim.
The life was gone,
Unlike the day before.
Unplugged the machine,
That allowed him to breathe.
The pain that was felt,
Was not all mine,
For my Mother was
Here by my side.
Keep talking to him,
The Doctor had said,
"For the sense of hearing
Is the last sense to go".
Why do I remember,
My feelings of dread,
When thinking about
The passing of my Dad?
In the ICU room
In a hospital bed,
In Yakima Washington?