Magazine Posts

Here I am as I am going through the worst time of my life.
I struggle daily to stay positive but realize, no matter what I
do, it will not change the outcome.

We are all destined to face the harsh reality, sometime in the
future. No one knows when or how. The time will still come,
ready or not.

My wife was diagnosed in January 2017, although symptoms appeared
in late 2014, with Advanced Vascular Dementia-Alzheimer Disease.
The change was gradual until the time I could no longer handle the
extra burden of incontinence, doing all aspects of housekeeping and yard
maintenance.

We, my two sons and I admitted her to a Memory Care Facility, January 3,
2022. I moved in with her in May of the same year and stayed there for
6 months until such time when I was getting little sleep because her nocturnal
behavior, from the disease.

I try to visit her every day but do take a few days off to retain my sanity.
I sadly have observed a downward spiral of this nasty disease as it ravishes
my beloved. My wife would call me "My husband". She didn't know my name
but would tell me she loved me.

Today, she no longer greeted me, or told me she loved me and was for the
most part, silent. There is no concept of time. She doesn't know if I've been
gone a minute, a day, a week, or a month. She is no longer the person I married,
in spirit but she is physically, what I see in her beautiful smile, her brown eyes
and know in my heart she loves me.

I apologize for this baring of my soul to all of you.
I just wanted you to understand when I write some
words that appear strange, it is just my screwed
up emotions at play. Hiding from the reality of life
and the upcoming end of days has been trying.
Thank you for all the gifts you have given me over
these years. Love to all who are facing life challenges.

I write the words,
thinking of you,
and the unlimited things
which you can do.

Carpe Diem,
seize the day.
Worry not about the morrow
or what the future brings.

Memento mori et carpe diem
Remember you have to die,
as we all do.
Tell the truth, do not lie.

When you have those who love the
way you function in life,
as we search for our being,
through love and strife.

Cold, was I,
when I started,
now here I am
all broken hearted.

Radiated rays
of cloudy gray,
creeping out,
now on display

of flowers seen,
by others too,
who knew not
of what was left to do.

Flushing my mind
of things,
which the edge
of madness brings.

Must this life,
I know,
be all there is
to show?

I know not,
what to do,
staying in touch
with you.

What light at
Dawns break,
brings me peace,
to take?

Been planting flowers,
for several days,
cleaning out pots,
enjoying Sunrays.

Low the wind,
through the trees,
mellow is the feeling,
a cooling summer breeze.

Alongside she came,
from out the sea.
A sailing ship,
not meant to be.

Money changed everything,
and a Privateer, she be,
attacking merchant ships,
which had gone to sea.

Riches, were hers,
as she captured money and crew.
An outlaw vessel,
carrying booty too.

One day she was stopped
by a Naval Man a War,
and her pirating days,
now gone for evermore.

When the squirrely cusp,
of what we call life,
becomes entranced
with too much strife.

Our drive strengthens
for another day,
as we glimpse our
desires, go away

I think of you,
can't imagine what
you must be going
through.
Frustrating to me,
for I know not what to do.

What kind of Hell,
must it be, when
you see but cannot process
your thoughts. When you
say, you love me,
is this the last bit of reality,
that remains. Are you
reaching out, asking for
more help?

I want you to be happy,
not likely, under these
circumstances.
I love you, Ellie.

Why was the question.
What was the word?
Awkward the conversation,
some never heard.

The road home,
is blocked with pain,
of our lost memories,
which no longer remain.

Once, was I,
a solid man.
Degradative downgrade,
what I now am.